I am that I am. When I close my eyes and say it, it looks more like I AM that I AM.
Faceless. Formless. I am anything. I am nothing. I am the creator of my own life. As I sit and be still in the silence I am washed over by comfort knowing that I am the operant power in my life.
I created everything. The hair loss. The unintentional weight loss. The pain that befalls me every time I eat as my body struggles absorbing vital nutrients. The non-response and adverse response to any kind of dietary or supplementation plan for this so-called “leaky gut” that has baffled even the best nutritional therapists and functional medicine doctors I’ve seen. I created that. Because I am consciousness. And my consciousness chose dwelling in the shadow of death.
For so long my consciousness has dwelled in the shadow of death. Shaped by the physical experiences of the body it inhabited. Choked at birth by its own umbilical cord. Being scared sh*tless as a four-year old just because dad told her the sun would burn out one day and cloud the world in the darkness. Consciousness feeling my body’s sensations of constant anxiety, fear, and a feeling of being trapped since that day. “I have sh*t genetics!” it heard me screaming to my mom as a teen. “I have sh*t genetics!” it heard me thinking to myself as a 20-something. And now in my 30s, consciousness giving my body an experience like no other as a result of these past thoughts, these resources in the form of hair loss, weight loss, and abnormal, sometimes painful immune responses to just about any food, even chicken and fresh produce.
Notice the tone of what I wrote. You’d know the dwelling place of my consciousness as of the date of this post just by the tone alone.
Wouldn’t it be cool though to change the dwelling place? Just like you’d move homes. To something bigger. To something brighter. Maybe even to something bolder. Regardless, definitely to something more lovely. Wouldn’t that be cool!
Even in the midst of chaos. Even in the midst of pain. Even in the midst of all the naysayers and all the obstacles. Wouldn’t it be cool to say, “I remember when I finally moved to my lovely home.” My dwelling place is pure loveliness.
After, I am anything. I am nothing. I am that I am. I am pure consciousness.